I started this blog in 2003, back when blogging was hip and trendy.  I like to write, so why not?  At the time, I was an evangelical Christian, an associate pastor and a church worship musician.  I had been a Christian for nearly 20 years and had grown dissatisfied with church and with the shallowness of the Christian lifestyle.  I wondered, "Is this it?  Is this as good as it gets?"  I had undertaken a very intentional project of in-depth Bible study (which began with learning how to legitimately study) and of trying to answer the question "What is church?"--by which I meant, "How did church function for the earliest Christians, and what was church intended to be, and why does what I've experienced over the last twenty years seem to not be it?"

My wife and I were so hungry for authentic, meaningful, genuine community.  I was reading and researching copiously in the hopes of finding answers, or at least clues.  One thing we had figured out was that sitting in rows in a congregation listening to some marginally educated guy give a sermon was not it.

My very first post on this blog was an account of my visit to a "postmodern" (remember when that was a buzzword?) church in Seattle called Quest, which had a coffeeshop (very cutting edge at the time).  Before long, we embarked on launching a house church.  The goal was for it to be utterly egalitarian and participatory.  We were seeking to emulate the ekklesia of the 1st century.  It was a wonderful experience, but ultimately crumbled--in large part because I refused to take on the role of pastor and "lead" (aka "control") our gatherings and community life, and that's what people were conditioned to want.  We also experienced a heated division brought about by differing interpretations of the "end-times" and the role of Israel.  Go figure.

My studies of how to be church, in the sense of authentic community, ultimately led us, after the house church imploded, to the Quakers.  My wife and I spent twelve years as Quakers.  I have so many fond memories from that time and those wonderful people, but there were also tribulations.  The branch of Quakers we had joined wrestled with issues such as acceptance and inclusion of folks who are LGBTQ+ (something which my wife and I fully supported) and trying to break free from the shackles of fundamentalist Christian theology.  Those struggles eventually shattered the Quaker organization we belonged to.  We also learned that Quakers are as susceptible to internal power politics as any other organization.

During those "Quaker years" I enrolled in seminary with the goal of earning a Master's degree in Religion/Theology.  This was a wonderful experience for me, and I did earn my Master's from the Earlham School of Religion, a Quaker-founded seminary in Richmond, Indiana (part of Earlham College).  My emphases were on Quaker Studies, Contemplative Spirituality and Process Theology.  My master's thesis was ultimately converted into a book and published (after a bit of tweaking), and received endorsements from Brian McLaren, Fr. Richard Rohr, Philip Gulley, etc.  The book is still in print and each year I receive a little royalty check from the publisher, which lets me know how many copies have sold.  It's gratifying to know that people still find the work I did to be useful.

Much of this personal history has been documented in this blog, but in recent years it has fallen to the wayside.

I sometimes joke that I went into seminary as an evangelical Christian and came out as a Buddhist.  This is an oversimplification, but essentially true.  As I studied the history of Christendom, and dug deep into Christian theology, and opened myself to understanding the other religions in the world, I discovered two things:

1. I was becoming an atheist.

2. I was drawn to Buddhism.

This was a long, slow process--an evolution, if you will--that continued over the course of many years (and is ongoing).  To my great relief, my wife tracked right along with me.  A watershed moment was when I discovered Stephen Batchelor and his books 'Buddhism Without Beliefs' and 'Confession of a Buddhist Atheist'.  Batchelor's eloquent, cogent and intellectual writing helped me to see a path forward.  Involvement in the Seattle Insight Meditation Society sealed the deal for my wife and I.

And that's pretty much where I am today.  I suppose that technically I'm an agnostic, meaning "I don't really know" about the existence of God--which I think is the most honest viewpoint anyone can have, because nobody does know, if they're honest about it.  But my inkling is that God, at least as depicted by human-made religions, does not exist.  If there is a "God", he/she/it is beyond our comprehension, and nothing like the primitive depictions in the Hebrew scriptures, the Bible, the Quran or any other sacred texts.  

As far as Buddhism goes, I practice Buddhism in the sense of walking the eightfold path, but I don't subscribe to the various traditional Buddhist metaphysical/speculative beliefs such as reincarnation or the divinity of the Buddha or heavens and hells.  Buddhism is not something I believe, it is something I do. 

The easiest description for myself is that I'm a Buddhist Atheist (or an Atheistic Buddhist), with a long background in Christianity (and shrinking tolerance for any kind of fundamentalism) and an abiding love and respect for Quakerism.  I tend to concur with the viewpoints expressed by Richard Dawkins, Stephen Fry, et al that religion is becoming increasingly un-useful (and often harmful) as humankind's knowledge of ourselves and the world and the universe continues to expand via the application of science.  The gaps in our knowledge, where religion used to find its home, are shrinking and will continue to do so.

I haven't yet decided where this leaves me in relation to this blog that has now been around for 23 years.  Do I try to continue it or do I delete it or do I leave it as a memorial to my long quest?  I lean towards the latter, if for no other reason than that--judging by comments I continue to receive--it still really pisses off the followers of Jack Hibbs).  😁