Sunday, November 25, 2007

Report from the Pastoral Search Committee

[This one's been circulating around for a while on the Internet... - DC]

We do not have a happy report to give. We’ve not been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we do have one promising prospect. We appreciate all of the suggestions from the church members, and we've followed up each one with interviews or calling at least three references. The following is our confidential report on the present candidates.

Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.

Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.

Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart. Believes in dream-interpreting. Has a prison record.

Moses: A modest and meek man, but a poor communicator (even stutters at times). Known to lose his temper and act rashly. There are rumors that he left an earlier ministry over a murder charge.

David: Seemed to be the most promising candidate of all until we discovered he was a "peeping Tom" and had and affair with his neighbor's wife.

Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.

Elijah: Prone to depression -- collapses under pressure.

Elisha: Reported to have lived with a widow while at his former church.

Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.

Deborah: Female.

Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist and negative. Always seems to be lamenting things. Reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of foreign river.

Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.

Jonah: Claims he refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise. Has a hang-up against wealthy people. Might fit in better in a poor congregation.

John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

Peter: Too blue-collar. Has a bad temper. Even known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

Paul: Powerful, CEO-type leader and fascinating preacher. Short on tact, however. Unforgiving with younger ministers. Can be harsh and has been known to preach all night.

Timothy: Too young.

Jesus: Has had popular times. Once grew his church to 5000 but managed to offend them all and his church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.

Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Real possibilities here.


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